Contest Winner: Andrew Heilman

Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin entered this world on February 1st, 1931.  A rather pouty child, Boris was often shunned by his parents and roughed about by his peers.  This early neglect bred what would become a great driving force full of determination for Boris.  Growing up, Yeltsin was very fond of Jim Henson’s “The Muppet Babies.”  Anyone can tell why his parents were concerned with his sexuality early on, as many times young Yeltsin was found alone in his closet sitting on the face of his plush Gonzo doll, begging for him to sneeze.  Concerned with his odd behavior, his parents enrolled him in Sverdlovsk’s Young Boys Fun Activities and Sports Club.  While in attendance, he learned to master many competitive sports such as volleyball, gymnastics, skiing, boxing and wrestling.  Most would be astounded to find out that Boris competed at the highest competitive levels with only 8 fingers (Boris and friends snuck into an Army Depot and attempted to take apart grenades, unsuccessfully).  The theme of his degree paper was “Television Tower.” Boris received an F on this paper because television towers had been around for more than ten years, and his degree was revoked.  He then decided to become President of Russia.  However, Boris did not have the following he needed to have enough votes to be elected.  Boris gained popularity by guest-starring on many Nickelodeon shows.  He co-hosted with Marc Summers on “What Would You Do?” for the ‘93-’94 season, but lost the job due to a falling out with Summers over a Food Network hosting job.  Yeltsin then earned a position on the coveted “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” series.  Most of his stories were too frightening to air because they delt with topics such as rape, incest, and fighting family members while high on PCP.  He was finally let go during a 1996 show when he presented “The Tale of the Hole Stretcher.”  So anyways Boris left Nickelodeon and returned to Europe’s “glamour spot,” Russia.  The Russians found his stints on Nickelodeon not offending, but highly comedic, and Yeltsin was granted the presidency.  In his own induction ceremony, Yeltsin said, “This is great, just really great.  It’s funny because I’m a commun…just kidding (extended laughter)!”  No one found it amusing.  Yeltsin was later taken out of office when he spent most of his time playing Ken Griffey Jr. on SNES instead of dealing with the missile crisis.  When interrogated, Yeltsin’s only reply: “3 STRIKES? AHH, COME ON!” 
 
Runner-up: Gennifer Munoz

Boris Yeltsin: What’s in a Name?

On February 1, 1931, Boris Yeltsin made his debut in the world. As a child, young Boris was an avid street fighter, leaving many a youngster like himself in his wake of pain and destruction. As karma tends to take its toll on even the roughest and toughest of us all, Boris lost two of his fingers in what would be his first and last street-encounter with explosives.

His life took a turn when he discovered the thrill called alcohol. In a recent interview with my mom, she said of Yeltsin: “…fat, drunk, and out of control…” then continued with, “but he saw Russia through a very difficult time.”
 
Yes, my mom is right—Boris Yeltsin has been accused of alcoholism, and yes, he was also the President of the Russian Federation.

He likes to dance at inappropriate times, and once Boris Yeltsin was seen in only his underwear yelling for pizza. However, these events have not been proven a direct result of his supposed alcoholism.

Boris Yeltsin has tendencies towards communism, and he is Russian. Yeltsin also gave Bill Clinton a saxophone in 1994. He is a dedicated fan of Elvis Presley, and it has been said that this love was his inspiration to learn the English language. Again, these facts have not yet been proven a direct result of Yeltsin’s supposed alcoholism.

In conclusion, despite the sorrow and embarrassment that is so prominent in his life, the most important fact about Boris Yeltsin is that someone still loves him.
 
Second runner-up: Clint Cox

Wasn’t Boris Yeltsin that old guy that played the first Frankenstien in a movie? I mean, where to begin. You can’t put a top ten list on an infamous performer who played in more than 200 movies. He spooked adults in 1932 with “The Mummy” and haunted teenage boys and girls with films like “Die Monster, Die” (1965) and the original “Body Snatcher” (1945). Hell, he still gives toddlers nightmares through a cartoon using only his voice as “The Grinch” in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (1966). How about that “made-for-TV-movie” that is as much part of Christmas as fruitcake. The only thing that throws me though is the name “Yeltsin”. That sounds Russian. The guy I am thinking of was born in London, England.